Thursday, August 27, 2009

Thursday - Another Day of Contemplation

Well the last few days have been a struggle. My partner and I talked at least once each day this week but its not the same as being in the same house. I really hate being seperated. I hate the fact that the changes in his job have taken him away to a Seattle although I love Seattle since I grew up there. But it is hard being here and knowing he is there creating a different life. On one hand it is good that he is making friends but on the other hand it hurts to know that he is pursuing the possibility of relationship over there. I just hope he will think about this and give us a chance to work this out. Friday night I will tell him how much I love him and ask for a chance of working this out together. The hard part is that I'm seeing someone so I can get help working on myself while he doesn't see a need for that. Anyway it has been a hard week again. I really hope our home sells fast so I can move back to Seattle where my friends and family live. And hopefully that will it easier to work on our relationship. Who knows but when you love someone so deeply, you are willing to do whatever it takes to improve the relationship. Here's to a better rest of the week!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

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Friends and Action

I had a couple of great conversations with friends last night about what I'm going through. The main thing I learned was that I deserve to be treated with respect, honesty, and integrity. Why would I want to be with someone who cheats on me and who I can't trust. It is love ! I'm a great person and I love my partner and have never cheated on him. I entered the relationship as a partnership where I was honest, trustworthy, and involved. For all his faults I have a deep love for him. It really hurts to know that while we are separated, instead of reflecting on how to make changes to the relationship to make it stronger, he is in Seattle pursuing another person.

I believe part of the issue is that he is insecure and may have low self esteem. I've tried to encourage him and build his confidence but I sacrificed part of myself in the process. He doesn't have many interests and I do. I love skiing, hiking, and traveling while he is content sitting at home. When we first met we did all these activities but then it slowly stopped. I guess I stopped doing them because I wanted to be with him. I didn't want to go hiking without him.

Today I go see my counceler. I am seeing 4 different people so I can get a wide range of insight. Most of these people are spiritual, metaphysical people. It really does help to talk it out but it is still tough. I had a hard time sleeping last night imagining what my partner was doing. Hoping the other person rejected him so he could feel my pain.

I believe in the Law of Attraction so I'm trying to manifest a great future for myself. I'm hoping this experience will bring me and my partner closer together if he is willing. If not then I'm hoping to meet an awesome guy in Seattle who treats me with respect, honesty, love, and kindness.

The day is young and the sun is out. I'm gonna start packing my stuff so the Universe knows that I am ready to move to Seattle and hopefully my house will sell quickly. Cheers !

Monday, August 24, 2009

Day 21 - The Healing Continues

Today was the first time I was able to cry about this. It wasn't a deep cry like I wanted but at least it was a step in letting out my emotions. This journal is one step in healing myself and moving on. Whether it is with Alex or a new relationship my goal is to continue to improve myself and become a better person.

Here is a brief overview of what led up to today.

Lets see today is the 21st day since Alex told me the relationship was over. I lost 15 lbs the first week since I couldn’t eat. I just felt nauseas. While I should have expected it since I wasn’t feeling like the relationship was working I was blindsided. I felt heartbreak like I never felt before. After days of reflecting I realized what a huge part of my life he had become. He was my rock. Part of the issue was my insecurities when he traveled especially to Seattle where he was staying during the week. My insecurities were actually intuition in action. He was indeed creating a different life for himself that I wasn’t part of. He met someone named John at Red Robin who he said he wanted to get to know better but if that didn’t work out then maybe we might have a chance. If I guilted him into staying with me then he might resent me for missing his chance with John, he said. What kind of bullshit is that? I’m supposed to wait around while he explores other relationships.

I really tried to build trust in our relationship after it was broken in 2004 when I found out he had cheated on me 11 times while I was caring for my aunt. My love for him was so strong that I forgave him but my trust was shattered. I worked hard to rebuild that trust but I’m not sure he was 100% in the relationship. I really, really wanted to be able to trust him again since I loved him so deeply but there was always that doubt that if he did it 11 times what would keep him from doing it again. He just left for Seattle today, a day earlier than normal probably because it is John‘s birthday today. I found out because the calendar announcement popped up while I was helping Alex with his Outlook. He wasn’t there when it popped up but I did notice the reminder was deleted later. This will probably be a tough week while I continue to deal with this but it does help writing about it. I don’t know what this blog will entail but I will share my feeling honestly as I continue to work through this experience.

Life After The Flings

As I said before that the 11 flings really hurt me in a bad way. I tried to be strong but being betrayed by the one person in your life who you expect to be able to trust and they betray your trust was tough. I really thought about what I needed from another person. I tried to talk Alex into going for couple counceling but it never happened. Sex was another thing that ended with the flings. We had a pretty good sex life before the flings but after that I didn't feel the desire. A few times I did try to initiate something but either he wasn't feeling good or he wasn't in the mood. What I found out 4 years later was that he had unprotected sex and was scared that he might have Aids but was too scared to get tested. He did get tested and came back negative. Lucky for him.

We continued sleeping in the same bed and everything was great except the sex part was missing. I'm not really sure how I was able to deal with that for so long as I really missed being intimate with another person but I wasn't the type of person to look elsewhere. I thought about it but never cheated on Alex.

We built our dream house last year and then Alex started having to travel to Seattle for work. It was supposed to be for 2 months but then it stretched into 6 months. I had a bad feeling about this but wanted to trust him.

About 3 weeks ago on August 3rd Alex told me that he wanted to continue being best friends but not be in an intimate relationship. Like I said before the intimacy had ended years ago but we still were partners. The hardest part about this period was that Alex never shared his feelings. He never said he was afraid that he might have caught AIDS or that he wasn't happy. I knew I wasn't happy but I thought moving to a new house would help. I was wrong.

From The Beginning - A Quick Overview

I met Alex (not his real name) about 11 years ago. I had met him online and then we started talking on the phone since we lived more than 2 hours away from each other. I loved his voice. There was a sensitivity and strongness about it at the same time but whatever it was I was hooked. We met in person shortly after that and continued building a relationship as we visited each other on weekends. After 5 years of living apart in different cities, we moved to a different city together.

Life was great. I was in my first long term relationship and I was in love with Alex. After about a year, my aunt suffered a stroke and needed someone to help her. I was the one she asked for. I knew I had to do it and Alex said he would be fine. I stayed for 6 months and Alex visited a couple weekends out of each month but to say it was hard to be without him was an understatement.

When I moved back I accidently found files on my computer and after asking Alex found out that he had 11 flings while I was gone. I was hurt and the trust between us non existant after that but I forgave him and we tried to get back to normal. As I write this I also understand the lunancy in this. If someone had told me their significant other had cheated on them then I probably would told  them to tell the other person to piss off. But I wanted the relationship to work no matter what.