Monday, August 24, 2009

Day 21 - The Healing Continues

Today was the first time I was able to cry about this. It wasn't a deep cry like I wanted but at least it was a step in letting out my emotions. This journal is one step in healing myself and moving on. Whether it is with Alex or a new relationship my goal is to continue to improve myself and become a better person.

Here is a brief overview of what led up to today.

Lets see today is the 21st day since Alex told me the relationship was over. I lost 15 lbs the first week since I couldn’t eat. I just felt nauseas. While I should have expected it since I wasn’t feeling like the relationship was working I was blindsided. I felt heartbreak like I never felt before. After days of reflecting I realized what a huge part of my life he had become. He was my rock. Part of the issue was my insecurities when he traveled especially to Seattle where he was staying during the week. My insecurities were actually intuition in action. He was indeed creating a different life for himself that I wasn’t part of. He met someone named John at Red Robin who he said he wanted to get to know better but if that didn’t work out then maybe we might have a chance. If I guilted him into staying with me then he might resent me for missing his chance with John, he said. What kind of bullshit is that? I’m supposed to wait around while he explores other relationships.

I really tried to build trust in our relationship after it was broken in 2004 when I found out he had cheated on me 11 times while I was caring for my aunt. My love for him was so strong that I forgave him but my trust was shattered. I worked hard to rebuild that trust but I’m not sure he was 100% in the relationship. I really, really wanted to be able to trust him again since I loved him so deeply but there was always that doubt that if he did it 11 times what would keep him from doing it again. He just left for Seattle today, a day earlier than normal probably because it is John‘s birthday today. I found out because the calendar announcement popped up while I was helping Alex with his Outlook. He wasn’t there when it popped up but I did notice the reminder was deleted later. This will probably be a tough week while I continue to deal with this but it does help writing about it. I don’t know what this blog will entail but I will share my feeling honestly as I continue to work through this experience.

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